Trigger warning: This interview contains details about infertility, miscarriage and the death of a child.
In the fourth installment of our Father’s Day series, Brendan Samuels shares a father’s perspective on the challenges of infertility, starting IVF, and the grief of losing three children; Nara, Jemima and Nariah. He bravely shares the intimate story of Nariah’s birth and premature death, how he found peace in God in his grief, and shares practical tips on how we can love and encourage Dads who have lost and are missing a child this Father’s Day. We hope you are encouraged by this story.
Tell us a bit about yourself!
Howdie! My name is Brendan and I’m a hubby to my high-school sweetheart, Irene. We have two rescue French Bulldogs: Asha who loves sitting on the couch watching reruns of The Office and Alfie whose ears perk up whenever he hears the words ‘walk’! During the week, you can catch me playing bass, watching F1, and cooking a mean steak dinner. For the last 5 years, we’ve lived in the Blue Mountains NSW and attend Central Villages Anglican Church in Lawson. For the last 10 years, I’ve been working as a full-time photographer capturing weddings and events.
You recently became a father to a baby girl named Nariah. Can you share her story with us?
Irene and I have been married for 13 years now and our journey to starting a family has been paved with many highs and lows. With a real desire to have a family of our own, we experienced years of failed attempts trying to conceive. Although we continued to trust in God’s goodness and faithfulness, the possibility of becoming “that couple without kids” was slowly becoming our painful reality.
After speaking with our fertility doctor, we decided to start IVF in 2022. Through this process, we lost seven embryos but was also blessed with a precious child. God had answered our prayers and we found out we were having a girl. We decided to name her, Nariah – which means ‘lamp of God’. 2 Samuel 22:29 says, ‘For you are my lamp, O LORD, and my God lightens my darkness.’ God gifting us with Nariah brought light into what had been an incredibly dark time for us. There was such peace and warmth around her name, saying Nariah’s name made us excited and hopeful for our little one. This sense of excitement, however, would soon come to an end as our pregnancy was filled with complications and many late night trips to the hospital. Little did we know that one of these trips would be our last.
At 19 weeks and 5 days gestation, Irene was admitted into hospital with heavy bleeding and went into early labour. The doctors were able to confirm that her cervix was wide open and that it was just a matter of time before our Nariah would be born. I held Irene’s hand, pretending to be brave as the doctors told us this news. I couldn’t help but burst into tears saying, “Nariah’s going to die!”. In the midst of pain and uncertainty, there was nothing we could do but turn to God. Joined by our family of Christian brothers and sisters, every night we prayed asking God for a miracle and every day our hope in God grew stronger. Regardless of the outcome, we had incredible peace knowing that Nariah would be safe and secure in the hands of Jesus.
On Wednesday, 28th September, 2022 at 4:23pm and weighing 435g, we welcomed our baby girl Nariah, who was born sleeping and awoke to the glory and wonder of her Father in Heaven. Nariah joins her two siblings, Jemima and Nara, who we also lost through miscarriage in 2021.
Our pregnancy journey has taught me much about fatherhood and what it means to be a Dad. Although I haven’t had the joys of experiencing the responsibilities that come after the baby is born – the late night feeds, the chaos of school pickups, Saturday soccer runs and making Tik-Tok approved bento box lunches, God has taught me how incredibly precious life is within the womb. He has taught me how much He knows and loves us, even before we are born. To know that He would give up His only child to save me reminds me of the sacrificial and unconditional love He has for us as our Dad and Heavenly Father.
Although I haven’t had the joys of experiencing the responsibilities that come after the baby is born…God has taught me how incredibly precious life is within the womb. He has taught me how much He knows and loves us, even before we are born.
How has knowing God the Father brought you comfort in the grief and loss of Nariah?
When you are moments away from your baby’s life coming to an end and there is absolutely nothing in your control, you are left with no option but to pray. During our stay in hospital, we prayed and pleaded with God every day, asking him to save our baby. We were reminded by our extended church family that God isn’t bound by physical limitations and works beyond the medical statistics. Knowing that God the Father is both powerful and sovereign brought us much comfort as we prayed.
Even though God allowed Nariah to die, I find incredible comfort knowing that she is more alive than ever in Heaven with Jesus. I may not know why God would allow us to go through such pain, but what I do know is that He knows our pain. God Himself experienced the loss of a child – His one and only Son. When I struggle with the grief of missing Nariah, I ask God to hold me and am comforted as Jesus weeps with me.
Knowing that Nariah is no longer with me is both hard and comforting. While I know she won’t be returned to me here on earth, I know that she is safe and secure in the hands of her Heavenly Father. I look forward to the day I will see all my children with absolute hope and assurance.
God Himself experienced the loss of a child – His one and only Son. When I struggle with the grief of missing Nariah, I ask God to hold me and am comforted as Jesus weeps with me.
How can we love and encourage Dads who have experienced the loss of a child this Father’s Day?
I believe we can do better when it comes to checking in on each other emotionally, particularly leading up to Father’s Day and in life in general. As blokes, we often don’t bother checking in because we think, “she’ll be right”. You just never know what struggles your mates are going through. If we are to love our brothers, providing them with the space to share their struggles and reminding them that they aren’t alone is a way we can do that. It could be a catch up over a coffee, a chat on the phone on the drive home from work or praying with and for each other.
When talking to someone about child loss, say the name of their child and acknowledge their situation in your conversation, rather than avoid it. Saying something like, “I’m so sorry that Nariah isn’t here to celebrate Father’s Day with you or I’m remembering Nariah with you today and she’s blessed to have a Dad like you”. You don’t have to be super articulate or even have the answers all the time. Simply ask them about their child and listen without judgement or correction.
Well-meaning friends and family often avoid the subject of death, thinking that it might be too painful for us to talk about our child who died. However, as grieving Dads, remembering and talking about our child months and years from when they passed away makes us feel like we have not been forgotten, reminds us that people still care, knowing that our hearts will ache until we get to see and hold them again in Heaven.
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On Persevering to Prioritise God as a New Dad: Nathan Luk
Nathan shares the joys of parenting a newborn, facing new temptations to ‘over-provide’ and make financial security an idol, and how knowing God the Father brings peace in the unknowns of parenting. He also shares the gospel convictions that have encouraged his family to persevere in prioritising God and His people as new parents. Read it here.
On the Value and Cost of Raising Sons who Love Jesus: Carlos Aguilera
Carlos shares the incredible value and cost of raising sons who love Jesus, both as a father and mentor to younger men. He shares how knowing God shapes his parenting decisions and as well as the lessons he’s learned from older male mentors. Read it here.
On Fathering with Grace, Authenticity and Loving Discipline: Simon Kim
Simon Kim shares how becoming a father has magnified his understanding of God the Father’s love for sinners, and that moments of discipline are “gospel opportunities” to model God’s love—something he learned from his own Christian father. Read it here.
