Articles Witten by Heidi Tai

Trigger warning: This interview contains details about infertility, miscarriage and the death of a child.

In the fourth installment of our Father’s Day series, Brendan Samuels shares a father’s perspective on the challenges of infertility, starting IVF, and the grief of losing three children; Nara, Jemima and Nariah. He bravely shares the intimate story of Nariah’s birth and premature death, how he found peace in God in his grief, and shares practical tips on how we can love and encourage Dads who have lost and are missing a child this Father’s Day. We hope you are encouraged by this story.

Tell us a bit about yourself!
 
Howdie! My name is Brendan and I’m a hubby to my high-school sweetheart, Irene. We have two rescue French Bulldogs: Asha who loves sitting on the couch watching reruns of The Office and Alfie whose ears perk up whenever he hears the words ‘walk’! During the week, you can catch me playing bass, watching F1, and cooking a mean steak dinner. For the last 5 years, we’ve lived in the Blue Mountains NSW and attend Central Villages Anglican Church in Lawson. For the last 10 years, I’ve been working as a full-time photographer capturing weddings and events.

You recently became a father to a baby girl named Nariah. Can you share her story with us?
 
Irene and I have been married for 13 years now and our journey to starting a family has been paved with many highs and lows. With a real desire to have a family of our own, we experienced years of failed attempts trying to conceive. Although we continued to trust in God’s goodness and faithfulness, the possibility of becoming “that couple without kids” was slowly becoming our painful reality.

After speaking with our fertility doctor, we decided to start IVF in 2022. Through this process, we lost seven embryos but was also blessed with a precious child. God had answered our prayers and we found out we were having a girl. We decided to name her, Nariah – which means ‘lamp of God’. 2 Samuel 22:29 says, ‘For you are my lamp, O LORD, and my God lightens my darkness.’ God gifting us with Nariah brought light into what had been an incredibly dark time for us. There was such peace and warmth around her name, saying Nariah’s name made us excited and hopeful for our little one. This sense of excitement, however, would soon come to an end as our pregnancy was filled with complications and many late night trips to the hospital. Little did we know that one of these trips would be our last.

At 19 weeks and 5 days gestation, Irene was admitted into hospital with heavy bleeding and went into early labour. The doctors were able to confirm that her cervix was wide open and that it was just a matter of time before our Nariah would be born. I held Irene’s hand, pretending to be brave as the doctors told us this news. I couldn’t help but burst into tears saying, “Nariah’s going to die!”. In the midst of pain and uncertainty, there was nothing we could do but turn to God. Joined by our family of Christian brothers and sisters, every night we prayed asking God for a miracle and every day our hope in God grew stronger. Regardless of the outcome, we had incredible peace knowing that Nariah would be safe and secure in the hands of Jesus.

On Wednesday, 28th September, 2022 at 4:23pm and weighing 435g, we welcomed our baby girl Nariah, who was born sleeping and awoke to the glory and wonder of her Father in Heaven. Nariah joins her two siblings, Jemima and Nara, who we also lost through miscarriage in 2021.

Our pregnancy journey has taught me much about fatherhood and what it means to be a Dad. Although I haven’t had the joys of experiencing the responsibilities that come after the baby is born – the late night feeds, the chaos of school pickups, Saturday soccer runs and making Tik-Tok approved bento box lunches, God has taught me how incredibly precious life is within the womb. He has taught me how much He knows and loves us, even before we are born. To know that He would give up His only child to save me reminds me of the sacrificial and unconditional love He has for us as our Dad and Heavenly Father.

Although I haven’t had the joys of experiencing the responsibilities that come after the baby is born…God has taught me how incredibly precious life is within the womb. He has taught me how much He knows and loves us, even before we are born.

How has knowing God the Father brought you comfort in the grief and loss of Nariah?

When you are moments away from your baby’s life coming to an end and there is absolutely nothing in your control, you are left with no option but to pray. During our stay in hospital, we prayed and pleaded with God every day, asking him to save our baby. We were reminded by our extended church family that God isn’t bound by physical limitations and works beyond the medical statistics. Knowing that God the Father is both powerful and sovereign brought us much comfort as we prayed.
 
Even though God allowed Nariah to die, I find incredible comfort knowing that she is more alive than ever in Heaven with Jesus. I may not know why God would allow us to go through such pain, but what I do know is that He knows our pain. God Himself experienced the loss of a child – His one and only Son. When I struggle with the grief of missing Nariah, I ask God to hold me and am comforted as Jesus weeps with me. 
 
Knowing that Nariah is no longer with me is both hard and comforting. While I know she won’t be returned to me here on earth, I know that she is safe and secure in the hands of her Heavenly Father. I look forward to the day I will see all my children with absolute hope and assurance.

God Himself experienced the loss of a child – His one and only Son. When I struggle with the grief of missing Nariah, I ask God to hold me and am comforted as Jesus weeps with me. 

When talking to someone about child loss, say the name of their child and acknowledge their situation in your conversation, rather than avoid it. Saying something like, “I’m so sorry that Nariah isn’t here to celebrate Father’s Day with you or I’m remembering Nariah with you today and she’s blessed to have a Dad like you”. You don’t have to be super articulate or even have the answers all the time. Simply ask them about their child and listen without judgement or correction.

Well-meaning friends and family often avoid the subject of death, thinking that it might be too painful for us to talk about our child who died. However, as grieving Dads, remembering and talking about our child months and years from when they passed away makes us feel like we have not been forgotten, reminds us that people still care, knowing that our hearts will ache until we get to see and hold them again in Heaven.

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On Persevering to Prioritise God as a New Dad: Nathan Luk 

Nathan shares the joys of parenting a newborn, facing new temptations to ‘over-provide’ and make financial security an idol, and how knowing God the Father brings peace in the unknowns of parenting. He also shares the gospel convictions that have encouraged his family to persevere in prioritising God and His people as new parents. Read it here.

On the Value and Cost of Raising Sons who Love Jesus: Carlos Aguilera 

Carlos shares the incredible value and cost of raising sons who love Jesus, both as a father and mentor to younger men. He shares how knowing God shapes his parenting decisions and as well as the lessons he’s learned from older male mentors. Read it here.

On Fathering with Grace, Authenticity and Loving Discipline: Simon Kim 

Simon Kim shares how becoming a father has magnified his understanding of God the Father’s love for sinners, and that moments of discipline are “gospel opportunities” to model God’s love—something he learned from his own Christian father. Read it here.

Ahead of Father’s Day (Sunday 3rd September), we’ll be sharing stories of Christian fathers and how the gospel shapes their parenting. In the first of the series, Nathan Luk opens up about the joys of parenting a newborn, facing new temptations to ‘over-provide’ and make financial security an idol, and how knowing God the Father brings ultimate peace and comfort in the unknowns of parenting. He also shares the gospel convictions that have encouraged his family to persevere in prioritising God and His people as new parents. We hope you are encouraged by this story.  

Tell us a bit about yourself!

My name is Nathan and I’m married to my lovely wife Jess. We have a little 3-month old bundle of joy named Ezra. We attend Cheil English Ministry and during the week I work as a software engineer. These days I don’t have too much time for hobbies but when I do, I love listening to podcasts, and a little bit of gaming too. I’m passionate about demonstrating, teaching and equipping men to live for Jesus especially as they think through university, full-time work and marriage. 

What have been the joys and challenges of being a new father so far? 

The simple privilege of being able to witness and partake in God’s plan for Ezra has been an absolute joy. As someone who tends not to get emotional or sentimental in day-to-day things, I often find myself looking at Ezra, him smiling back at me, and then catching myself revelling in the unfathomable truth that God created this child and then would graciously bestow Jess and I the responsibility of raising him.  

In terms of challenges, apart from physical tiredness that comes with raising a newborn, one of my challenges has been the increased temptation to need to provide (or ‘over-provide’ in most cases) for my family which in-turn leads to the idolisation of money, security and comfortability. Especially in a time of escalating living costs, it can be tempting to invest my time, money and energy into what will bring financial security. It can be easy to spend less time with my church community, less time in God’s Word and less time in prayer, in favour of more time at work or doing things that might put us in a better financial situation. 

However, God’s Word reminds me time and time again that it’s both futile and foolish to be caught up on these things. Both Matthew 6:19-21 and Colossians 3:1-2 remind me to set my heart on eternal things and to frequently check-in with my heart and examine what is ultimately occupying it. I’m reminded that the throne room of my heart needs to have Christ sitting there, not my family or myself. 

The throne room of my heart needs to have Christ sitting there, not my family or myself. 

How does knowing God the Father shape the way you parent Ezra? 

Understanding God the Father puts into perspective my role as his earthly father. While he is biologically my son, I am profoundly aware that my role is that of an ambassador for Christ in his life. Ezra belongs to God – he is ultimately God’s son, entrusted to Jess and me for only a season. 

As a parent to a newborn, we get to control many things. From when he baths, to when he feeds, to when he gets to play. However, it’s humbling to know that the only thing that really matters, his eternity, is one thing that I have absolutely no control over. At times, that brings anxiety and uncertainty, but ultimately, it’s a great relief and joy knowing that God in his absolute sovereignty and wisdom has His own plan for Ezra and is not only my heavenly and eternal Father, but also his. 

To no surprise, being a father myself has revealed countless shortcomings of my own. From being impatient when he doesn’t want to sleep to getting frustrated because he’s just done his fourth poo in as many minutes, I’m so relieved that I was never meant to be Ezra’s saviour. My role as his earthly father isn’t to meet his every need and to help him be the most successful person he can be. My primary objective is to point Ezra towards Jesus. In the short time I’ve been a father, I’ve come to realise that my most meaningful contribution I can give to my son is to facilitate his relationship with Christ, rather than impose my desires upon him (as hard as that can be at times). 

Our most fervent prayer is that God reveals Himself to Ezra in a personal and transformative way. While we play a part in his upbringing, Jess and I are merely conduits through which Ezra can encounter the love and mercy of his Saviour Jesus. As such, understanding God the Father allows me to approach parenting with a humble reliance on His wisdom, understanding that He is the ultimate guide and protector for Ezra’s life, not me. 

I’m so relieved that I was never meant to be Ezra’s saviour. My role as his earthly father isn’t to meet his every need and to help him be the most successful person he can be. My primary objective is to point Ezra towards Jesus.

What gospel convictions have inspired you and Jess to not give up on meeting with and serving the local church, despite having your hands full with parenting a young child? 

The gospel convictions that have inspired Jess and me to remain steadfast in our commitment to our church, even amidst the demands of parenting, are rooted in our understanding of the profound privilege and responsibility that comes with raising a child. Having Ezra is a gift from God and with this gift comes an opportunity to model for other young couples or those considering parenthood that serving the church and raising a family are not mutually exclusive pursuits. 

While Ezra might be too young to comprehend the intricacies, we believe it’s crucial to demonstrate that faith in Jesus isn’t something that takes a back seat when life gets busy. This lesson extends to our own lives as well – the temptation to prioritise other matters over our relationship with Christ is real, but we are committed to living a life that reflects that Jesus remains at the forefront, no matter the circumstances. 

Reflecting on Philippians 2:3-4, which urges us to consider others before ourselves and to look out for their interests, we’re reminded that our involvement in the church isn’t just about us. It’s about contributing to the community, supporting fellow believers, and demonstrating the selflessness that the gospel calls us to embody.  

Similarly, Galatians 6:9-10 encourages us not to grow weary in doing good, and that “as we have opportunity” (v10) we should be doing good especially in our church community. Indeed, what a blessed opportunity that Jess and I have been given to serve our church through our family. 

While Ezra might be too young to comprehend the intricacies [of attending church], we believe it’s crucial to demonstrate that faith in Jesus isn’t something that takes a back seat when life gets busy.

How have you seen God at work in your family, as a result of your perseverance to continue meeting with your church family? 

The concept of family unity has taken on a whole new dimension for us. Our shared experiences of worship, service, and growing in faith within our church community have woven a tighter bond between Jess, Ezra, and myself. Each time we come together to lift our voices in worship, serve side by side with our brothers and sisters, or do bible study together, we’re reminded of the importance of being united in purpose as a family, grounded in Christ and His finished work on the cross. 

The support we’ve received from our church family has been an incredible testament to not only God’s grace to us but also the importance of community. In moments of challenge and triumph alike, we’ve felt God’s presence through our brothers and sisters – whether it’s offering words of encouragement, lending helping hands, and interceding for us through prayer. 

I’d be lying if I said that my church commitments have only grown since becoming a father. If anything, it’s one of the areas that I often catch myself being disappointed about. I often feel ‘ineffective’ for Christ and the church because of the time and energy it takes in raising a family. However, despite my weakness and perceived inability in this season of life, I’m constantly in awe of how God would use a tired and often grumpy sinner like me to actually encourage and strengthen the body of Christ. It’s a concept that is so counterintuitive yet is a perfect testimony to the power and transformative grace of God.  

I thank God that although I may not know what lies ahead or what hurdles there may be, He will be there with my family, guiding us every step of the way with not what we want but with what we need. May He stir within us a profound zeal, cultivating a heart of contentment in the sole shepherd who leads us to our eternal home, Christ Jesus. 

Despite my weakness and perceived inability in this season of life, I’m constantly in awe of how God would use a tired and often grumpy sinner like me to actually encourage and strengthen the body of Christ.

Enjoyed this read? Subscribe to KCC News to receive the rest of the series in your inbox!

On the Value and Cost of Raising Sons who Love Jesus: Carlos Aguilera 

Carlos shares the incredible value and cost of raising sons who love Jesus, both as a father and mentor to younger men. He shares how knowing God shapes his parenting decisions and as well as the lessons he’s learned from older male mentors. Read it here.

On Fathering with Grace, Authenticity and Loving Discipline: Simon Kim 

Simon Kim shares how becoming a father has magnified his understanding of God the Father’s love for sinners, and that moments of discipline are “gospel opportunities” to model God’s love—something he learned from his own Christian father. Read it here.

On Losing and Missing a Child this Father’s Day: Brendan Samuels

Brendan shares a father’s perspective on infertility, IVF, and the grief of losing three children. He also shares how he has found peace in God in grief, and tips on how we can love Dads who have lost a child this Father’s Day. Read it here.